4 Myths about Postpartum Therapy
It’s been a few weeks or months since you brought your baby home, and you’re barely surviving. Your baby’s needs are all-consuming. You don’t remember what it feels like to sleep more than four hours at a time. Maybe your baby has reflux or colic or isn’t gaining enough weight, and you might be physically torn apart from a difficult labor or a rough breastfeeding journey. You’re bleary and teary and weary, and you start thinking, “Maybe I should talk to someone.” But you talk yourself out of it, because to admit that you can’t handle this on your own makes you feel guilty and ashamed.
Oh mama, I’ve been there. As a mental health professional and a mother, I’ve seen both sides of this struggle. And I’m here to tell you – emphatically and unequivocally – that the transition to having a new baby (whether it’s your first or third or fifth) is a seismic, life-changing shift that absolutely warrants extra emotional and mental support. So many women don’t get the help they deserve because they get waylaid by unrealistic expectations about motherhood or misconceptions about therapy. After talking to many fellow moms and fellow therapists, I’ve noticed some common myths about seeking out postpartum therapy that keep women from reaching out for professional help.
“I shouldn’t be struggling - This is just what it’s like to have a newborn.”
Motherhood can be so isolating, especially in the early days when it’s a Herculean task to simply get out of the house. It’s so easy to feel like you’re the only struggling mom, because on social media (and maybe even when you see friends in person), everyone else looks like they’re doing just fine. All babies are tough in the beginning – the lack of sleep, constant feeding, physical pain of recovery from birth, and adjusting to being needed 24/7 take a toll on every mother.
People love to say, “Oh that’s just what babies do!” when you describe a hellish night of broken sleep and constant crying (yours included), typically followed by tales of their own terrible nights. They might be trying to commiserate, but it often feels invalidating if you’re having a difficult time. “Well crap, if this is just what babies do, and I can’t handle it, what does that say about me? Am I doing something wrong, or am I just not capable as a mother? No one else seems to be having such a hard time.” Here’s the thing: everyone is struggling with some aspect of parenting. Every mother has doubts about her abilities. Every parent feels like they are drowning at times. Even “easy” babies are exhausting. Yes, this might be “just how babies are,” but your struggle is still valid and it’s okay to reach out for extra support if you need it.
“it’s not that serious… it’s not bad enough to go to therapy.”
The beautiful thing about therapy is that it meets you exactly where you are. You don’t have to meet a certain set of criteria to qualify for therapy. Even if you’re just feeling lonely and a little lost, a therapist can be a wonderful resource to help you find your way again. Therapy is totally customizable, both in terms of duration and content. You can talk about whatever you want (even if it’s just an hour of venting about how your mother-in-law keeps folding your laundry wrong every time she comes to help or how your baby won’t nap longer than 45 minutes at a time). Having a safe, judgment-free space to process your feelings, decompress, and focus on your own thoughts for an hour is a wonderful gift, especially for new moms who spend their days caring for everyone else. Therapy can also be as brief or as long-term as you need. Some new moms just want a few months of support to get through a tough time, while others choose to stay in therapy longer to work more in-depth or for ongoing maintenance.
Don’t let other people’s judgment or negative perceptions stop you from getting the help you need. Unfortunately, some people still hold prejudices about mental health care, but you aren’t forcing them to go to therapy. No one else is responsible for taking care of your mental and emotional health except for you, and no one needs to know about therapy other than (maybe) your partner. If Uncle Joe says, “only crazy people go to counseling!” then maybe Uncle Joe doesn’t need to know your business right now.
“I don’t have the time or money to see a therapist.”
This is a tough one, because the lack of resources is a real concern for many families. First, a gentle reminder that we’re usually able to find the time and money for things that are priorities. If your car breaks down, you’d probably be able to figure out how to get it to the shop and pay for repairs. Your mental health and emotional stability are just as important as reliable transportation. Moreover, proper maintenance and preventative care are SO much easier to manage than emergency fixes due to a crisis (both with cars and people). Just as you budget your finances and find the time to take your car for oil changes and new tires, you can probably shift things around to make therapy doable.
On a practical note, if your insurance doesn’t cover counseling, many therapists offer a sliding scale option for clients with financial concerns – just check their website or call and ask. You can also check out Open Path, which connects clients to therapists who have a certain number of reduced-rate spots set aside for Open Path members. If time is your concern, find someone with evening or weekend availability, ask if you can bring your baby with you (most therapists who see new moms are totally fine with this!), or check out online therapy. Thanks to the magic of technology, you can meet with your therapist via video chat (or even email or texting) without having to leave your house or find a sitter. Counselors really do love helping people, so we’ve gotten really creative about finding solutions to make that happen!
“I don’t know how to find a good therapist.”
This one often feels overwhelming for people, but it doesn’t have to be! If you feel comfortable with your OB-GYN/midwife or pediatrician, you could ask if they have any recommendations. If you don’t want to ask around, go to the website Psychology Today or Good Therapy and fill out your preferences (you can search by type of therapist, gender, location, insurance accepted, etc.). Browse through the options and pick four or five profiles that appeal to you, then visit their websites to read more about them and what services they offer. Once you find a few good options, call or email them to set up a time to chat (most therapists offer a free 15 minute phone consultation).
Don’t overthink it or get stressed about which modality or approach is right for you. Feeling connected and understood is key. The therapeutic relationship is the biggest factor for client satisfaction, and any good counselor will be able to tailor their approach to fit your needs. Find someone who makes you think, “This person makes me feel at ease, like they just GET where I’m coming from,” and you’ll be just fine.
I’ve been asked so many times, “Do you think I should go to counseling for this?” and my answer is almost always yes. If you’re at the point where you’re considering it, that’s enough of a reason to move forward with finding someone to talk to – regardless of why or “how much” you’re struggling. As a counselor, I believe that everyone would benefit from setting aside time each week to process their feelings, experiences, frustrations, and concerns. As a mother, I experienced firsthand the comfort of having a safe space to retreat in the midst of my overwhelm and self-doubt about new parenthood.
There is immense power in simply hearing – even if just for an hour a week – “I’ve got you. You’ve got this. I’m here for you.” Everyone deserves to hear this when they’re struggling, and your counselor is out there, waiting to say these words to you.
(By the way, in case you needed to hear this today - you’ve got this, mama.)
