Why saying “I’m busy” doesn’t work (and what to say instead)
Like many parents right now, I’m figuring out how to balance being present and engaged with my kids with doing… well, just about anything else that’s not on their immediate agenda. My pre-COVID schedule included regular blocks of childcare for my two sons (ages 3 and 1) during which I could work, take care of chores, make phone calls without the melodious vocalizations of two tiny velociraptors in the background, and generally be a productive adult human. Things look a little different now, as you might suspect from your own experiences in quarantine.
One phrase that I’ve been using with our three-year old is “I’m not available for that right now.” With consistent use, I’ve noticed that it has helped him be more patient and understanding about waiting for me while I get something else done.
Why “I’m busy” doesn’t work
Saying “I’m busy right now” means something to adults. If you say this to your spouse, they’re able to infer that you’re currently occupied, unable to attend to their requests at the moment, and will get to them when you have a chance. Toddlers and preschoolers don’t think this way.
A young kid could easily interpret “I’m busy” to mean, “Ah, look at Mama pushing those fun buttons on that computer - I shall help her!” Toddlers are developmentally egocentric and focused on their own goals, so they don’t naturally understand the concept of waiting their turn or delaying gratification. “Busy” doesn’t necessarily mean “don’t interrupt” to a young child – after all, they’re constantly busy with things that are important to them, yet we have no qualms about telling them to stop what they’re doing and focus on our agenda instead.
What typically happens is that our children are trying to communicate their needs/wants in the way they know how (physically getting in our space to get our attention, repeating the same thing over and over, getting louder and more insistent, whining, etc.) and we’re trying to communicate the way that WE know how (like polite adults) and no one is feeling heard or understood. Finally, someone snaps and throws a tantrum or starts yelling, and everything explodes and goes to shit. Nothing gets accomplished and everyone is mad.
A better way to communicate
“Mama, can you help put this Lego piece on here for me?”
“I’m not available for that right this minute, but I’d be happy to help when I’m finished with this email.”
This phrase is much more effective because 1) it acknowledges your child’s request, 2) it clearly communicates that you can’t do that thing right now, but 3) the waiting period is specific and manageable. We’ve all had the experience of someone saying “I’ll do it in a minute” only to wait for 20 minutes, the whole day, or indefinitely for them to follow through. Kids don’t know what “in a minute” means, but they do understand the concept of finishing a task (depending on their age). This approach also capitalizes on their understanding of cause and effect – “if I do this, then I get that,” in this case being “if I wait for Mom to finish what she’s doing, then I get her attention/help/etc.”
I’m also finding that, as I’m modeling this behavior, my son is communicating more clearly with me in return. Transitions are difficult for toddlers and preschoolers to manage, especially when they’re in the middle of an enjoyable activity. If I ask my son to get his shoes on or come to the dinner table and he says, “I’m busy,” I’ll admit that I’m not likely to respond positively to him. However, if he says, “I’m finishing the feet on my robot” or “let me stack the rest of these blocks,” I’m more inclined to respect his request, which leads to less arguing and frustration on both sides.
Consistency is key
This isn’t a silver bullet solution– your kid won’t magically walk away and leave you alone for two hours if you use this phrase. You might have to repeat it several times, and you’ll get varying degrees of cooperation each time. However, the strength of this approach is that it’s easier to stay calm and consistent when you have a specific script to follow – and it helps when it’s clear, concise, and polite. When we’re forced to think on the fly and respond to a demanding, whiny kid when we’re distracted and under pressure, we tend to get flustered and snappy.
The more consistent you can be, the better your child will be able to predict and depend on your response. This also means that they’ll better understand what you’re expecting of them in return. The first time I said “I’m not available” to my son, he completely ignored me (of course) and kept badgering. Now that I’ve been using it for a few weeks, however, it takes much less effort on my part (i.e. calmly and firmly repeating myself after acknowledging that I heard his request) and he’ll generally wander off and find something else to do while he waits for me. The other day, he even got out his own coloring materials, brought them over to where I was working, and quietly sat next to me coloring for about 10 minutes. I was so distracted by the miracle happening in front of me that I almost couldn’t work after all.
It’s deceptively simple, but if you have a toddler or preschooler bugging you nonstop all day like I do, give this one a try. I’d love to hear how it works for you!
