5 Parenting Strategies for the Highly Sensitive Person
Are you excessively bothered by violence in movies or tv shows, or get super stressed and frazzled when you have a lot to do in a short period of time? Do you feel easily overwhelmed by loud noises, bright lights, or even itchy fabrics? You might have a trait called Highly Sensitive Personality (HSP) or sensory processing sensitivity. On the positive side, you’re likely very empathetic and have a rich, reflective inner life. Being an HSP means that you’re highly attuned to the details and nuances of your environment (both internal and external). This makes you very emotionally responsive, which can be a positive thing (hello to my sensitive and thoughtful friends!) or a stressful thing. You feel things more deeply, and might need extra time and quiet space to process your thoughts and experiences.
(Any of this sound familiar? Take the free self-assessment developed by Dr. Elaine Aron, the psychologist who first recognized and began researching the Highly Sensitive temperament in the early 1990s.)
None of these traits are inherently negative, and they are innate - meaning that you didn’t develop these characteristics in response to your environment, but rather you were born with them. Your brain simply responds and processes stimuli a little differently than someone who isn’t an HSP. As a result, you likely prefer quieter, less chaotic environments, or at least need to be able to retreat and regroup when you get overwhelmed and frazzled.
Enter parenthood.
Children - especially babies and young kids - are an assault on the senses. If you have a toddler or preschooler at home, you know firsthand the amount of noise, mess, physical touch, demands, questions, and general lack of personal space or quiet time that assail you on a daily basis. It can feel like you’re stuck in a stress-inducing trap - you feel overwhelmed by the sheer amount of noise and mess, yet you can’t walk away and take some time to yourself, because the noise/mess-makers will either destroy the house (or themselves) or just follow you wherever you’re trying to escape (“Mama, you on the pottYYY?!). This phase of 24/7, hands-on early parenthood can grind down even the most energetic parent, but for an HSP it can be a nightmare.
So, what’s an overstimulated, stressed out HSP parent to do?
Educate yourself.
Knowledge is such a powerful tool, because it enables you to identify and put words to your experiences in a non-judgmental way. When you start fantasizing about sneaking through the bathroom window to play hooky for a few hours, you can recognize that your brain is overstimulated and craving some respite instead of feeling guilty. “Ah, that’s right, I love these little gremlins, but I can’t handle this much noise/mess without getting totally anxious. We need to change activities so that I can get a break.” There’s nothing wrong with you or the way you’re responding; you simply need to make some adjustments to give your overloaded brain a breather.
Build quiet time into your day to process and unwind.
Don’t overschedule yourself or your kids - running around all day with no downtime is way too much stimulation for an HSP. If a packed schedule is unavoidable, make sure to set aside time for a quiet meal, take 5-minute breaks to close your eyes and reset between tasks, or even give your kids something to watch while they’re in the car so that you don’t have to play 500 questions while driving. I know screens get a bad rap, but they can be a lifesaver for a frazzled HSP who’s on the verge of snapping. If your kids still nap, use that time to do nothing or do simple activities that allow your brain time to decompress (washing dishes, sweeping, or folding laundry are all low brainpower tasks for me). If you’re at work, take a moment to sit back and stretch or even go outside and sit quietly for a few minutes.
Spend time outside.
The soft sound of the wind moving through trees, birds chirping, sunlight warm on your arms - these sensations are inherently soothing to our nervous systems. Strap your kids in the stroller and take a walk, or go to the park where they can play and you can zone out and enjoy the breeze. Sometimes I just sit on my doorstep and close my eyes for a few minutes.
Practice mindfulness.
When we’re rushing around trying to get ten things done at once with a toddler clinging to our legs begging for a snack, it’s easy to get overwhelmed and rattled. Slow down and take it one task at a time. Bring your awareness to what you’re doing right now. Get down to eye level with your child and give him your full attention for a moment, even if it’s just to say, “Hang on buddy, I need to finish this first.” Let your brain focus on one thing at a time. If you can, it’s incredibly helpful for HSPs to develop an actual meditation practice. Our lives are so busy and hectic, and the quiet stillness of meditation (or simply taking 5 minutes each evening to consciously relax your muscles before bed) is a wonderful antidote to the stress we constantly carry.
Use your breath.
Deep belly breathing calms the nervous system and brings our awareness to the present moment. Try this: inhale deeply through your nose, watching your belly rise up, for 3 counts, then slowly exhale with control through your nose for 5 counts. Do this five times and notice the difference in your mind and body. This pattern of breathing stimulates the vagus nerve and activates the soothing effects of the parasympathetic nervous system, which switches off the “fight or flight response” and signals to our body that everything is safe. The vagus nerve runs to all of our major organs and is deeply connected to our breathing. When we slow our breath down, we’re literally communicating through this neural pathway to the rest of our body that it can relax.
I know how overstimulating daily life with young kids can be for an HSP, and these are some of the regular practices and habits that I personally use to keep my system regulated. Above all, give yourself the space (and grace) to say, “I need a break right now,” and turn on Daniel Tiger or throw some Play-Doh on the table and walk away for a few minutes. Your nervous system will thank you, and your kids - and you! - will be happier because of it.
