5 Sneaky Signs of Postpartum Depression
I was crouched on the kitchen floor, sweating and gulping deep breaths to calm down. In this moment, I finally acknowledged what I’d been denying for weeks: this was postpartum depression. When you have a panic attack because your toddler is whining about jelly choices and your newborn is starting to fuss in the other room, it’s not hard to recognize that something is off kilter in your emotional regulatory system.
Here’s the real kicker though: I’m a licensed professional counselor. As in, I’m the person you would call to get help if you had postpartum depression. I thought I’d be immune to PPD. I’m pretty darn emotionally healthy and self-aware, I have a great support network and a very involved partner, and I had a totally normal pregnancy and delivery. My baby was eating and sleeping fairly well for his age, so I couldn’t even blame colic or severe sleep deprivation for this increasing anxiety and anger.
I also assumed that if I started struggling, I’d know exactly how to recognize and deal with it. And yet, even with all those advantages, here I was hiding behind the kitchen cabinets, totally thrown by this tidal wave of anger and helplessness that overtook me almost every day.
More common than you think
How did this take me so off guard? I think it’s partially due to the perception that PPD is something that happens to someone else. While I knew that it was common, I didn’t realize that 1 in 5 women will experience some degree of postpartum depression or anxiety in the first year after giving birth, and it can happen after your first or third or even fifth baby. PPD can affect anyone, regardless of income, race, culture, or education (although some women are at higher risk depending on these and other factors). Even Chrissy Tiegen and other celebrities with nannies, personal assistants, and housekeepers helping with their kids still experience PPD. Having a supportive friends and family helped diminish my risk level but didn’t inoculate me from the hormonal changes and stressors that also contribute to PPD. I didn’t think I had a “valid” reason to develop PPD, so I wasn’t watching for it.
Secondly, I wasn’t aware of some of the sneaky ways that PPD can show up. I was expecting clinical depression - crying constantly, unable to sleep even when the baby was sleeping, difficulty bonding with the baby or finding enjoyment in the things I normally loved. I wasn’t even having typical signs I associated with anxiety: racing thoughts, constant worrying about the baby, and the inability to relax. My symptoms showed up differently, but after doing further research and speaking with other moms, I believe that this version of postpartum depression is much more common than I realized.
Five sneaky ways that my Postpartum Depression showed up
Fight or flight
The main way that my PPD manifested itself was by triggering my fight-or-flight response. If I got even a little overwhelmed or stressed, my brain started sending danger signals to my body and I’d panic, thinking, “if I don’t get out of here RIGHT NOW I am going to totally lose it!” Often my physical response was way out of proportion to my thoughts; I could cognitively recognize that what was happening wasn’t that bad, but my body was responding like it was in actual danger due to the stress hormones flooding my brain.
Rage and irritability
When I got triggered but couldn’t escape my kids (which was often, as I’m their primary caregiver during the day), my mental state turned aggressive to shield me from the perceived threat. Makes total sense in a survival situation, but in this case the “threat” was my toddler or baby. Thus, I would lash out in an explosion of anger - yelling, slamming my hands on the counter, throwing toys into their bins - which would leave me feeling drained, shaky, and full of guilt after my adrenaline level dropped and I was in more normal emotional state.
Increased need for control
I’m a planner who thrives on routine and order, and this tendency went into full overdrive in the months following my son’s birth. As my PPD ratcheted up, the need to control my environment skyrocketed. This is a common defense mechanism to cope with anxious feelings. But as any parent knows, newborns scoff at routines and toddlers live to create messes. Something as simple as a skipped nap or seeing my toddler’s toy cars all over the floor was enough to send me into a tailspin, and feeling that I had no control over this emotional response only made things worse.
Feelings of guilt and inadequacy
Because I often felt overwhelmed and unable to cope, I’d start thinking things like, “What if I’m not cut out for this? Am I going to totally screw up my kids? I should be grateful for this time with them rather than feeling miserable!” I didn’t feel this way all the time, but the fact that I felt this way at all made me worry that I was doing a bad job.
Physical symptoms
Lastly, postpartum depression was a very physical experience for me. My therapeutic approach tends to be cognitively focused, so I’m very aware of my thoughts and how they impact my emotional state. My symptoms were much more physical than mental: my body temperature would rise and I would get shaky and sweaty, my fingers and lips would start tingling, and I’d feel almost dizzy. I knew that this was a sign of anxiety, but it didn’t immediately occur to me that it could also be a sign of PPD.
If a trained mental health professional can miss the signs of postpartum depression and anxiety in her own life, then it can certainly happen to any other mom out there. When I recognized what was happening, I did what I would recommend to those other moms: I found a therapist to talk to. We all have blind spots in our own lives (even therapists!) and she helped me connect the dots to see when and how I was most vulnerable for getting overwhelmed. Most of all, she was a dedicated space where I could focus on caring for myself so that I could regain my emotional resiliency.
Postpartum depression can happen to anyone, and it manifests itself in many different ways – some obvious, and some less so. You are the expert on your own mental health, so you’re the best person to know if something is out of balance in the way that you’re feeling or acting. At first it was easy for me to say, “Oh, this is just what having two kids is like,” when I found myself feeling overwhelmed and irritable. Eventually (thankfully) I recognized that although my circumstances were “normal,” my responses were not – at least not for me. This realization enabled me to get the additional support and guidance that I needed to find my emotional equilibrium and start fully enjoying motherhood again.
If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, please reach out to get support. Put your own oxygen mask on first, mama – you deserve to take care of yourself.
